Lack of a parent

What if your Biological dad died one and a half years ago, you did a net search and it came up as you dug, so you now have a picture of what he last looked like.

Prior you had lost the opportunity to meet him, about 20 years back because he didn't know the situation and you were depressed and scared.
Before that, when you received a graduation card from him, in an envelope your grandmother clearly wrote, it read on the inside "Congratulations Dawn P.S. Can you ask your mother to stop asking me for child support?"
While growing up all you knew were there some letters you found, they didn't say anything worth remembering between the two of the parents, that they went away from each other (Michigan), with mother taking me back to where her family was (Florida).
You had pictures of him while he was in the services, marines maybe, Korea definitely, and with a lovely Indian brand Motorcycle.

What if your Biological mother was given the chance to see you one last time, for your birthday, before she can no longer travel, or dies- she spends the entire week, save one section of a day, your birthday, sleeping on the sofa, not taking her prescription properly, being sick because of it, holding up in a restaurant bathroom for an unknown reason for an hour before being retrieved to go back home; and your husband rescuing you by reading her prescriptions, getting her back on track, getting her out of bed for your birthday, making her eat, and making sure she went back home after he paid for all that, after the fire, while we had no income.

She was dependent on men. She was married to her fourth one before I got my first.
Had she stuck to doing things with me, she and I would have had a tie-dye business, and eventually a tattoo and piercing shop, and with my cooking desires, probably would have ended up with a food cart, too.
But instead we had a few precious and not so precious moments:
Both being painted as clowns while visiting the Ringling Circus
Being terrified and screaming at age 5 when I turned around for halloween to see the down face my other had given me after I had asked for it, not stopping until every bit and the outfit was off of me, NO pictures at all.
Her spilling food on her and me knowing that was her being pregnant, again, and threatening to move out, at age 14.
Her worst memories of me are putting every pair of her underwear on me at about 2 or 3, and pouring out a small amount of a powdered cleanser and crawling away as a baby.

fake it til you make it, out of your comfort zone, phobic; reverse it and just go crazy to start it up

Whether it is going out to interview for jobs, starting a new hobby, going to social fairs, or dealing with social fears.

Many of us do not look forward to mundane things such as going out for a job that is just for money, not love. So we have to hype ourselves up for it, build our happiness and confidence, then our outside reflects it, then we go out and rock it.

I am probably not good at any of the jobs I have done in my life. I am an observer. When people do not speak to the observer, the observer reflects on a story to tell, filling that empty space.

• I once fell on a well-used auto road-foot swelled up as big as a football, had to get tetanus shot.
• One weekend I was supposed to go for a bridesmaid dress fitting-my face swelled up like my foot, had to have 2 teeth removed at an emergency clinic who would not release me until the payment was borrowed and pulled out from various atms. 
• Husband got shingles for Thanks Giving, the year we had the fire and lost the cat-I promptly got chickenpox for Christmas and New Years.
• Once received a keychain with a thunderbird on it-a state away, I supposedly meet the maker of the mold while working at a Pastry Shoppe Store front, other customers gave me Pert for my hair, a ring for my finger, and my co-worker gave me garters, another story.
• Was part of a local fanzine in the area I lived-got to speak to a lot of bands, got on a tour bus, tour sewerage plant, interview bouncers, and other odd duties as that persona.
• Have portrayed English, Norse, German, Greek, and Scottish in a living history organization-I know how to blacksmith, make cording and clothes, apply calligraphy and illumination to a scroll...
• I met my husband online-before the internet existed for the public.
• Gargled a snot-form of codeine for a swollen throat-prescribed by doctor at a free emergency room.
• Filled sink with hotel ice while vacationing to save food from a restaurant for the next days' breakfast.
• I worked at a photolab and at a customer service-handful of stories there, pictures were monitored and reported if need be.
• Was hit on the forehead with a baseball bat when I was 4-he was about 12 and hitting my pitches, teased in school over it, but honestly don't think people even notice it anymore.
• Rode a motorcycle for a while-saved a lot of gas, but always fixing the loose chain after a low turn.
• Sat down inside-only to find a bee had got there first and was plunging a stinger into my rear.
• Rushed husband to hospital once when he broke his finger while cleaning the bed frame.
• Used to get small photo jobs for side money-removing cords from product pictures, collages.
• Fate brought me and my best friend back together 4 times during 30 years-FL, Woe, Char, FB.
• Also portrayed a Roma in the living history crowd as a merchant-teas, games, soaps, jewellery, now do this on the side for the summers at farmer markets.
• Spent a year celebrating "day of"-make a musical instrument day resulted in a horseshoe and copper wire sistrum.

Story Mat Meditation

This one I am not sure about, as this was all the notes read. So far I like #2 the best.

#1-But I think I was planning on creating clear mats with a clear fluid in them, containing figurines and other objects that represent things in an audio story book so that one can meditate on the story items and listen the story. Be able to meditate without the story if they had the mat, portable security blanket in a way.

#2 Gather those who wish to meditate or stretch in nature, out to our place, let them pay donations so we can improve the resources (yoga mats, drinks, shade, windbreaks, better parking lot, walking path.

#3 Make up a story about the Mountain if I cannot find it, about the Dragon, and include our local flora and fauna in the story to begin word of mouth knowledge about our area in an interesting way, guest speakers of course, welcomed.

#4 Again a donation thing, but at one time I wanted a cafe that could be open during meteor showers, failing that, we have a medieval tent which could be made comfy and fun for waiting for the stellar lightshow. Perhaps a sleepover so no one has to drive if they cannot.